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What is the point of Everton?

Everton are a storyline where someone goes missing, then they find out they’re at home and they have a cup of tea and everything’s fine.

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Every year we hear the same things – ‘David Moyes has done wonders with the budget he’s been given.’ ‘I fancy Everton as dark horses for the Premiership/Champions League,’ and then the predictable…‘well, they were never going to compete without the funds.’

Let’s just get things straight. Everton will not win the league. They will not even compete unless the top two teams leave for the fabled Qatari Dream League Super Football Extravaganza™, and even then they would probably blow it at the start, or blow it at the end (after being quite good in the middle). Secondly, Everton will not qualify for the Champions League. Unless Arsene Wenger is finally carted away to a safe, secure place after they fail to ever shut him up about his team’s spirit; unless Chelsea fill their inevitable future managerial vacancy through an ad on Gumtree; and unless Daniel Levy quits as Spurs chairman to indulge his compulsion for negotiation by only working on Gareth Bale’s transfers, they will not come close again. They’re not going anywhere, they don’t seem to want to go anywhere, and they haven’t got any money to even if they wanted.

The most frustrating thing for people who actually still care about this team must be that there are occasional Russian meteor-like flashes of brilliance – Fellaini’s opening day bullying of Manchester United, or their recent ten-man defeat of reigning champions City. But we all know that the spanking that Wigan handed this team in the FA Cup Quarter Final a few weeks ago is what really defines them. The talent and desire to beat the top teams is sometimes accidentally uncovered, but then is hurriedly concealed when a game actually matters, as if they are worried what might happen were they to actually win something; you can did a hole in the ground and bury your shiny coins where they can’t be stolen, but you can’t use them either.

Ha! Everton! Winning a trophy! FA Cup Semi-final 2011/12 – lost 2-1 to Liverpool despite taking the lead. Premier League 2011/12 finished lower than Newcastle. League Cup 2012/13 – lost 2-1 to Championship Leeds. And the League this year? Sixth. An utterly pointless, worthless position. No hope of Champions League, not even a Europa League place.

David Moyes and Everton are stuck together, directionless. They’ve tried a few different positions out, and a couple of times it felt great and they thought it might be a breakthrough; but they always end up going back to plain old missionary-style, humping away joylessly while they think about what they have to pick up from the shops later. Moyes is typical of the man in a stagnant long-term relationship, a long 11 years now. He knows there’s no future and he’s seen all the prettier, richer girls around him be seduced by other men – Mancini?! What’s he got that I haven’t?! Benitez! Oh come on! But he’s scared; scared that they won’t want him, and will laugh when he turns up on their doorstep looking awkward in his rarely worn suit, and without a single piece of silverware, or goldware, or any kind of metal ware, to show for over a decade’s work.

Moyes has said that he will look at his position at the end of the season. We all know they’ll go into the relationship counselling of contract negotiation, and come out having decided to give it another go and work on accepting each other’s faults. Well, this is bullshit. And, more importantly for us football fans, it’s all so boring. What is the point of coming just above mid-table every year, of occasionally beating the good teams, occasionally beating the bad ones, and just being…alright? When was the last time there was actually anything interesting happening at Everton? At least do something. Get yourselves into a crisis (even a media-made one); have a dressing room revolt where stories are leaked and boots are kicked or teammates’ wives get shagged; get caught in a classic relegation dogfight. In fact, why not even get relegated for a year, have a laugh scoring a million goals in the Championship and then come straight back up, just because you can. Football is a soap opera, it’s meant to entertain us; Everton are a storyline where someone goes missing, then they find out they’re at home and they have a cup of tea and everything’s fine. It might not make business sense to just say fuck it, let’s have a proper go, all or nothing; but it’s a lot more fun than eighth, eighth, seventh ad infinitum.

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The Sad Demise of Bolton Wanderers Football Club

It is hard to believe the dismal state Bolton Wanderers find themselves in

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If you watched the English Premier League during the early 2000s, you would have been familiar with the plight of Bolton Wanderers. The long running club is now in absolute dire straits, bereft of resources, searching desperately for new owners as it staves away its seemingly inevitable end. It is truly a sad turn of events for a club that has been around for almost 150 years, once known as the plucky, never-die team of English football’s top flight.

The Greater Manchester club, gleefully nicknamed ‘The Trotters’, were always a group of ragtag underachievers who constantly overachieved. The club, under the tutelage of Big Sam Allardyce, spent several Premier League seasons languishing at the bottom end of the table staving off relegation before progressing to mid-table safety. It wasn’t that they were good, because, for the most part, they weren’t, but it was because they always found a gutsy way of surviving by sheer determination, miraculous last game results, and for finding the last remaining ounce of juice left in washed-up players looking for one last round of glory.

It’s the latter point perhaps, that endeared Bolton to fans who didn’t spend their weekends at the Reebok Stadium. Bolton was the home to many talents that found new life under Allardyce. Players that managed to thrill a mostly dull part of the footballing world with European flair and Nigerian spice. I have fond memories of the indomitable Jay-Jay Okocha and Youri Djorkaeff reminding fans of their class. Then there were the bruising, hard-hitting playing styles of Ivan Campo and Fernando Hierro- adding much-needed steel to that Bolton lineup. They complimented the steadfast if not boring quality that came with the ever-present Jussi Jääskeläinen and Kevin Davies. Atop them all sat Big Sam- who long before he became a joke in English football, was the no-frills, old-school English manager who took Bolton up from the old Division One to the Premier League. And during his run, he became known for being able to get Bolton out of trouble at the last minute, no matter how ugly the season had been. They made an FA Cup Semi Final and the Round of 16 of the UEFA Cup, somehow beating Atletico Madrid along the way.

As of July 21st, the club had a total of 7 first-team players. Barely enough to field a full first team.

Those days are sadly long gone as the club find itself languishing in the third tier of English football, once again ending the previous season relegated. Mired in financial disarray, the club has been in control of administrators since May, with its long-awaited takeover by new owners (whoever they may end up being) dragging on and on. The sad state of affairs has been punctuated by the club unable to pay its players and staff, canceled pre-season friendlies, and quite possibly the saddest team sheet in all the time I’ve been a fan of English football. As of this time, their official team page has but 7 players listed (no defenders), not even enough to field a full first team. If by the time you read this they’re able to pull their socks up and field a full team, it’ll be a miracle.

Their financial downward spiral hit breaking point in 2015 when the club found itself £172.9 million in debt. It only seemed to get worse from there. Unpaid taxes, transfer embargoes, manager changes, poor results, and most depressingly, non-playing staff having to use food bank donations to feed themselves (including donations from rival club Preston North End).

It really is hard to believe the dismal state Bolton find themselves in. I can’t imagine what it must be like for a true Wanderers fan to face the reality of their club in 2019. It’s not that the club has ever been successful (their last significant trophy was the 1958 FA Cup), but from the outside, their grit, their pluck, and their ability to seemingly escape the direst of circumstances made them endearing. They were the underdog team of has-beens, never-rans, forgotten souls, and Big Sam.

Now it seems their darkest days are closing in. Football fans surely would love for new owners to come in, reset the club, and start that long, arduous journey back into stability. But their new season hopes don’t even start on any positive note, with their financial failings they’ve already been docked 12 points before the start of the new season. Even with new owners, it will take a significant time to turn things around. The best they can hope for is to pull a Rangers and find themselves back on the up after 5 or so years… but the English Premier League is a far different beast to that of the Scottish Premier League, just ask Leeds United.

The long road back is never going to be easy. And for Bolton Wanderers, once a club that found its soul with players looking for one last spot of luck, may have run out of its own.

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The Long Goodbye: A Spurs fan’s final salute to Kawhi Leonard

Am I a product of my generation? Yes, just like Kawhi and many of today’s younger generation of fans are a product of theirs.

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The saga of Kawhi Leonard is over and while his signing to the Clippers means that two fanbases are left incredibly disappointed, there’s one group that is making their overdue final goodbyes. For Spurs fans like myself, it is clear that while the Board Man is a special player, he is a product of the current generation of players- loyal to themselves. It’s OK, I’ve resigned myself to moving on because I was happy that he won in Toronto, happy for everyone involved (except for Drake) because I knew that as soon as he signed for the Clippers, his legacy would no longer be built on unbreakable bonds but rather on personal pursuit alone. And that was never the trait of the silver and black. At times during this saga, I’ve felt like Elliott Gould in Robert Altman’s 1973 movie The Long Goodbye, blinded by what I initially thought was loyalty. But after living through Kawhi sitting out, his demands for leaving, and ultimately, his winning a ring for the North, I’ve realized that in today’s NBA, allegiance, integrity, and trust are the exception, not the norm.

One of my earliest memories of being a Spurs fan was the ragtag group of players assembled for the 1992 season. It was early in my Spurs fandom and only two years into the storied career of David Robinson. The Admiral would become my favorite Spur, and ultimately, my favorite NBA player of all-time, but it was clear early on that he needed help. While Sean Elliott, Willie Anderson, and Avery Johnson were nice pieces, it was memories of wayward Rod Strickland passes that would ultimately encapsulate that time as an NBA fan. But the truth is, it was an important learning phase for any true NBA fan- that success comes with smart moves and dedicated, loyal, and hard working players who forever would put team above the name on the back of the jersey.

The years that followed was a mix of frustration and hope. The team gelled, especially for the 1994-1995 season where the team finished 1st in the Midwest (62-20) and David Robinson would end up capturing the league MVP after a dominant season (27 ppg, 10 reb, 3 blks). It was all awash come playoff time where vivid memories of Hakeem Olajuwon “dream shaking” The Admiral out of his shoes still haunt me to this day.

Perseverance paid off. Both for the Spurs and to fans like myself. Then general manager Gregg Popovich took on the additional responsibility of running the ship from the sideline, David Robinson was never traded, he rarely complained, and the miracle of the 1997 NBA Draft changed the fortunes of the franchise forever.

The years that followed were graced by the very best kind of basketball for basketball purists. While the league continued to flourish under the star power and glamour of Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, the Spurs quietly put together championship pedigree devoid of front page drama, superstar whinging and a sense of loyalty to the city and team that has all but become extinct in today’s NBA. My generation of Spurs fans are lucky to have lived through 5 championships, but also lucky that we were able to stay true to a team that had loyalty in their DNA. We were blessed that Tim Duncan got to take the court with players Tony Parker and Manu. Both absolutely crucial to the titles and the teams, both exhibited the kind of character seemingly rare today.

Kawhi was supposed to be the next titan of the team. We saw what was possible with his captaincy and Finals MVP run for the 2014 ring. He was supposed to continue the Spurs legacy. What we got instead was an endless whinge-fest, culminating in his sitting out all but 9 games of the 2017-2018 season. The mysterious ailment that plagued him, his battle with Spurs management, his desire to “go home” to California, and his distance from other Spurs players led to so much unnecessary frustration. In March of 2018, Manu was quoted as saying; “For me, he’s not coming back because it’s not helping [to think Leonard is returning]. We fell for it a week ago again. I guess you guys made us fall for it. But we have to think that he’s not coming back, that we are who we are, and that we got to fight without him.”  

It’s the kind of distraction that my 7th-grade basketball coach would have found embarrassing. Kawhi did the Spurs dirty, and while fans often project the burden of legacy on to players even when they never set out to be, it is the unfortunate fall out of being a great player- especially one that at the time, seem to fit the mold. Kawhi has now done the Raptors dirty, and if he wins a title in Clipper-land, he will most likely do them dirty too. It’s his MO, it’s his way, and really, in today’s 2K video game NBA, it’s OK because that’s just the way it goes.

What the Kawhi saga felt like everyday

Team basketball is dead, superteam basketball is now the play. Raptors fans are playing it cool, saying that the one title was more than they could have ever asked for. But really, if I was a Raptors fan I would be disappointed because Toronto seemed like such a great place for him to be. A good coach, a good front office, an adoring nation, everything he said he was unhappy with in San Antonio. If I was a Raptors fan, I would be disappointed not because the team didn’t do what the Clippers did and mortgage their future for a chance for more, but because Kawhi proved that there’s no such thing as loyalty- and that it’s OK today as long as there’s some transient success. Perhaps I have been spoiled by Spurs basketball. Spoiled by Popp’s team-first mentality where the glory of championship parades is not the end, but the next beginning. If I was a Clippers fan I would be wary. Not just because Kawhi isn’t as superhuman as we’ve all made him to be. But because the Clippers DID have to mortgage an entire future for Kawhi and Paul George to battle it out against LeBron, against AD, against an entire city that will always hold the Lakers above the Clippers. If I was a Clippers fan, I would be wary of Kawhi’s new 3-year, $103 million dollar deal (with the option to opt-out in two). Not because it means he’s positioned himself for that supermax pay off, but because potentially, he could weasel his way out of the Clippers in two years too.

Am I old and a little bitter? Maybe. I’m grateful of Kawhi’s contributions to that 2014 title- his performance during those finals, especially after the bitter disappointment of the previous year, proved that he was more than capable of being the next Spurs great. He came alive in Game 3, proved his MVP status in Games 4 and 5, and cemented what seemed like the future for the franchise. But in the end, what stands out more for me is the letdown that Kawhi just wasn’t up to par with the Spurs giants that he was supposed to follow. Am I a product of my generation? Yes, just like Kawhi and many of today’s younger generation of fans are a product of theirs.

He could have been placed next to The Iceman, The Admiral, and The Big Fundamental, instead, Kawhi becomes another in the long line of a new generation of NBA superstars beholden to no one but themselves, playing their former teams and fanbases for fools. I feel like Phillip Marlowe, manipulated, trust broken, hearing Kawhi telling me that “maybe I’ll never learn, maybe I’m a born loser”. Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m just waiting for my harmonica moment. It’s the way things go today.

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